Police begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
     Now that’s taking things a bit far!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
     No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-sos!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
     See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
     I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
     You think?

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
     Who would have thought!

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
     They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
     You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
     He probably IS the battery charge.

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
     Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
     Chainsaw Massacre all over again?

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
     Boy, are they all tall!

Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
     Did I read that sign right?

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
     the shoplifter special?

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
     and that would be???....

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
     but, it's just a suggestion.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
     well...duh, a bit late, huh!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
     ...and you thought????...

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
     but wouldn't this save me time?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
     We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction
     accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds
     with head-colds off those bulldozers.

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
     I'm taking this because ???....

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
     as opposed to what?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
     Now, somebody out there, help me on this.
     I'm a bit curious.

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts"
     talk about a news flash

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
     Step 3: say what?

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
     I don't blame the company.
     I blame the parents for this one.

On a Swedish Chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."
     Wow ... was there a lot of this happening somewhere?

1.  I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.  Then it hit me.

2.  Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

3.  Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?  He's all right now

4.  The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

5.  To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

6.  When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

7.  A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

8.  A thief fell and broke his leg in wet concrete.  He became a hardened criminal

9.  Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

10.  We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

11.  When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

12.  The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

13.  The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

14.  If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

15.  A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

16.  What's the definition of a will?  (It's a dead giveaway)

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times "Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?" A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"

LOT'S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead.  She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.  Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"  A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"  "No," replied David. "How could he, with just two worms?"

HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times.  But, there is a higher power.  Can anybody tell me what it is?"  One child blurted out, "Aces!"

MOSES & THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.  "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.  When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely."  Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements.  They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."  "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.  "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23.  She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse.  Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm.  After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.  On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.  When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

CHURCH SMILES

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.  "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady. 

AMISH BUMPER STICKER

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.  The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.  Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

SUNDAY SCHOOL MESSAGE

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.  Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.  He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."